I am so bummed to not be hanging out with you guys this weekend. I was so looking forward to it. I think you are wonderful and I want to see you soon, maybe again later this summer? Or next fall. Please tell me when is good for you! (Jules- I will be venturing up this summer, let me know when works for you). Have a wonderful WONDERFUL time, and I will be thinking of you all weekend long <3<3<3
Enjoy!
Murph
Posted on 8 May '12 by Murphy, under Uncategorized. No Comments.
http://www.4shared.com/video/S0SfqmX7/30_Day_Shred_-_Level_1m4vff.html
Thank you Jillian, for making me YOUR bitch. <3
Posted on 8 May '12 by Murphy, under Uncategorized. No Comments.
And so far, its happened. This has been a wild month already, and we are only 8 days in.
Job: Applied and interviewed for the job I was currently doing, as Admissions Counselor. I did not get the job, so I will be returning as a Graduate Assistant for one more year to finish up the MBA and then peace out. Was second in the running and lost it to another woman who has more experience than I do. Understandable, but I am still working on not hating the idea of her beating me. Its forcing me to be less competitive. Or maybe not less competitive, but to be able to channel the emotions associated with competitiveness into something else. For instance…
Body: After swimming ended in the beginning of March, I had a delicious grace period where I did not exercise and ate whatever I wanted. I paid for that grace period with an extra seven pounds. I’ve been working on making only healthy decisions in May (hence, why it is my bitch) and ran a half marathon on Sunday to kick start the process. Now I have the sore knees of a 98 year old woman, and the rumbley stomach of someone who is eating primarily salads. Which is ok, because for the past month I have been ADDICTED to tomatoes. I never used to like them before, but I figured out that ever since I ran out of multvitamins I have been craving them. Cherry, regular– you name it, i’ve eaten it like it was an apple. This is unheard of for me, so I finally looked up what it meant when it got to be a little out of hand, and it turns out that it means I am iron deficient. Went to the doctor– sure enough, anemic. And here I thought me being extra tired was due to the weight i’ve gained (probably still a factor). So working on sorting all this out– need to remember to keep this vegitarianism in check. Its been great so far, and I can always tell when I don’t eat well, and I feel like shit. But still, Doritoes call my name like a lover from a bedroom.
Lover in the bedroom: Well, almost. Jon and I have been dating for a grand total of three months and a handful of days. I am head over heels in love/lust with him. I say love lust because while we have done everything under the sun (he is insatiable) we haven’t had sex yet. Is my vision clouded by the desire for sex? I don’t know. I don’t think so, because there have been days when I almost have to bite my lip to stop myself from telling him I love him. We’ve been through a lot already with each other, he still finishes my sentences without meaning too, I have been to his family events, and we still get into hugely philosophical discussions about “honor” and what it means to do drugs (separate arguments discussions). He literally does feel like a perfect addition to my being. He just gets me, accepts me, and doesn’t care that sometimes i’m a freak. I can totally be myself, and I have never experienced that before. Hes pretty much an amazing human, and I am already dreading the day that he exits my life (whenever that may be)… Not to be a pessimist (*rolls eyes at self*). The plan as of right now is that he will be moving in with me (collective gasp.) in August when he finishes his CPA, and then when my degree is complete next June, we will be moving to Boulder Colorado where I will be attending law school. Lots of life changes this time next year!
School: School is going good. Classes are relatively easy, and I enjoy the professors. To finish by next May, I will only have to pay for a grand total of two classes. #winning
Living: Was just approved for my very OWN studio apartment in Frederick MD. While this is a mundane part of life, I was nervous (because I don’t make that much money) and i’ve never done this before. Its about the size of a shoebox, but hell. Its cheap and its got a rosebush outfront of the door. Its fucking cute. Oh, and its mine. I will be moving in in June WOO!
Breathing: Doing yoga probably every three days. Jonathan is a huge componenet of this. He always is itching to do yoga (we’ve even been going to this acro yoga class in DC together– he’s obsessed). So when I get home from a nine hour day, sometimes I don’t always want to do yoga, but he’s usually there asking if we can do five minutes. And then five minutes turns into 45 and already I feel better. I have also been hired at a local yoga studio to begin teaching within the next month. And a coworker confided her drepression to me, and we will also be doing yoga after work starting next week.
Lastly: Was called by a random number last week, and when I answered, lo and behold it was Matt. We haven’t spoken since January, except for the text message he sent me on St. Patty’s Day that said “A year ago today, I knew our relationship was doomed to fail.” To which I did NOT respond. Hello, dramatic much? I am so over it. I also ignored the random phone calls I recieved with him yelling at me and just hung up all the time. They havent happened since February, so I was unsuspecting. The phone call from recently was to ask for my help… because he will be returning to the Mount (my school) to work as a graduate assistant (my job) while getting an MBA (my degree). AND we have three out of four classes together, starting in August. Luckily, I was too stunned to really speak much as he was telling me all of this, so hopefully I pulled off the stoic and uncaring vibe. Not so, on the inside. I was a mad jumble of crazy, angry, hate, scared, excitement (what does this mean), dread, and an overall feeling of “seriously. really?” I’ve reached the phase of “I don’t give a fuck” but when I checked the roster yesterday my heart jumped to my throat when I saw his name on three of my classes. Oh, and did I mention that he asked if I had a room mate for next year? Like we could live together. UHHHHH… I THINK NOT. Perhaps he does not know the amount of fucks that I do not give about his puny little existance.
So because we went through the same introspective yoga training, I think it is only fair to comment that I too am judging my anger/excitement at his return, like I hope you are. Am I excited to see him? Fuck, I don’t want to be. Do I want to see him? Out of sight out of mind is sooo much easier. He’s obviously delusional if he thinks that we would EVER (in a MILLION KABILLION ZILLION years) live together. Is it going to be so. fucking. heartwrenching. (now who’s dramatic Murph) to see him again? Absolutely. Do I still love him? Yes, but i’m not “in” love with him. Am I over him? Fuck, I don’t know. Is this going to play with my mind as August slowly approaches? Totally. Am I cutting out the picture of his name on the roster and pasting it to my door so I go run everyday and eat well and thus look super hot when he sees me for the first time in a year? You bet your ass. Matt Marlowe will be my bitch (just as May is my bitch) if only in my head 
. Jonathan is taking this well, he was quiet for a bit when I told him.. but then he said “One of my least favorite people (the equivalent of HATE for Jonathan, hes so peacefulhippielove) coming back, in your classes, potentially trying to hurt you. I’m not really a fan of this, but hey wait…. Boulder’s free!”
This all happened within the last eight days. Life is strange, how it all happens at once, but then has a perfectly fucking perfect plan for you– even if you don’t agree with it at the time. Not getting the job allows me to now leave whenever I want without a contract/guilt commitment. I also get my classes paid for. The studio happened yesterday, and was a ray of light on a dark day, because I was wigging about housing and where I was going to live. The yoga job happened on Friday, and I am so so so excited to be working with them. There are 5 teachers, and the two owners/teachers are 500hr Kripalu trained. It will be great living in a new place with new jobs and whatnot. I begin graduate assistantship work again in August, and my last day is next friday, so I am free for the summer to yoga and wait tables! WOO! Matt coming back will undoubtedly give me motivation to look hott, and will also call into question my personal growth. Never before in the past have I been able to resist his pull. This will be an interesting test to how much I value Jonathan in my life, and wether I am tempted to get back with Matthew. Any guidance appreciated. Jonathan potentially moving in will be exciting, and a new step in our already the-closest-ive-ever-had relationship. I love Jonathan in this bright, everything about him, accepting, positive, adventurous, fun, happy kind of way. And I love Matt in a dark, past, angry, possessive way. Its horrible but thats what it is. Luckily, I have three months to get hot. Murph: For The Win.
My Hipster love: (4 day hiking trip on App. Trail– bears, forest fire, no water= adventure!)
Inspiration: Bleh.
Inspiration: What I will be!
Love to all you lovelies <3<3<3
Thanks for listening. XO
Murph
Posted on 8 May '12 by Murphy, under Uncategorized. 1 Comment.
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The Mayonnaise jar and Two cups of Coffee. |
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When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar…and the coffee… A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “yes.” The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. ”Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, ” I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things-your God, your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions-things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.The sand is everything else-the small stuff. “If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.” Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.” One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”
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Posted on 8 May '12 by Jules, under Uncategorized. No Comments.
Hey guys
It’s 1:30 in the morning and I just broke up with Ashley. Again. We had just recently become more than friends again and little by little I started to get that nagging feeling in my stomach that it wasn’t right. I tried to swallow it/channel it elsewhere for a while because that’s what adults do (right??) but she slept over tonight and I was absolutely miserable and neither of us were sleeping so we had to talk about it. She just left.
She wasn’t angry with me. It was hard to tell what she was feeling. Probably she feels disappointed with herself for when she could tell something was wrong but told herself it was nothing. Probably she feels stupid because her sister and friends warned her not to get back into something with me and she ignored them. And probably she’s sad.
I feel sad that I can’t love people without hurting them. My stomach is finally relaxing now, though, that she’s gone… that feels good. I feel human for having feelings (a good thing) – I’ve been so busy the last four months there hasn’t been much room for them. I feel like I can take a deep breath again. I was really having a panic attack.
I wanted it to work. I really wanted it to work. I can’t tell if I’m mad at myself for fucking everything up again or incredibly proud of myself for being honest even if it’s really fucking hard.
I miss you guys.
Posted on 8 May '12 by Jules, under Uncategorized. 3 Comments.
Hey loves
What a couple few months. Today was my last day of student teaching. I feel like I was climbing a huge mountain one foot in front of the other and then all of a sudden, a few days ago, I realized that I arrived at the top. Crazy! I think right now I’m most excited about being able to sleep as much as I need to.
Today I got home from school at 4pm and took a nap, was too tired/lazy to find my phone and set an alarm. So I slept 5 hours. Whoops! I was so confused when I woke up. It was like Memento 2 putting all the clues together. The clock says 9… it’s dark out…. Tuesday……. ohhhhhh. Was planning on going to yoga or an RC workshop (more on that below) but oh well.
Updates!
Work: I was hired by Mastery Charter through Teach For America Philadelphia (yay!) but I don’t know what campus I’ll be placed at yet. I was really hoping to be hired by Shoemaker (where I did my student teaching) but it seems somewhat unlikely. Trying to be at peace with all the possibilities and not stress about the unknown!
Housing: It’s been 14 months in my adorable little studio and I’m trying to decide what I want to do come August/September. Right now I’m leaning towards exploring a different part of the city. I want to live with people again but not decorate/furnish a new home from scratch right when I’m starting school in the fall. So maybe renting a room on Craigslist.
Love: Ashley and I are kind of on-again. We’re prioritizing our friendship but also staying open to what’s between us. It’s good. We’re both busy but we like doing all the same things and I probably spend more time with her than anyone else. I trust her and she makes me laugh.
Family: My mom’s coworkers put on a play for her at her retirement party (she started a theater-arts nonprofit 13 years ago) and surprised her by inviting me to be in the play! I played my mom as a young girl, when she first got interested in theater. I was nervous performing in front of 300 people (including my mom, brother and 6 relatives) but it was so much fun. One of my biggest regrets from college was not trying out for one of the improv groups. I think I’m gonna get into that (take an improv class) when I next have free time. I also got to spend time with my older brother (he lives in Alaska) which was wonderful. He seems to be doing better post break-up with his fiancee.
Mind: In January, I started doing RC (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Re-evaluation_Counseling). It’s a class that also functions as a kind of group counseling with a larger social purpose. It’s a movement that actually exists in communities around the world. I’m realizing now that this is going to ask so much more of me than I initially realized, but what I love about it is they engage with personal history as well as the oppressor/oppressed dynamic (racism, classism, sexism, etc). It’s led to a lot of good cries this spring and I think I’ll be in it for the long haul.
Body: Still rock climbing. Still playing frisbee, but because I keep injuring myself (ankle, knee) I’m in the market for a new form of exercise before I totally wreck my body. I’m hoping to treat my body really well this month before I get busy with school again. I might get a one-month pass at a yoga studio. I want my next home to be really close to a gym/yoga studio so I can get my fitness on next year even when I’m really busy.
Vacation: I have a to-do list to keep me going through the next 6 weeks. Looking forward to it. Some of the highlights are coming home to Boston to see you guys, road trip to Vermont with a friend in June, and doing lots of yoga. I can’t wait.
Life themes: Change. Growth. Loving my family and remembering that they’re always there if I need them. Imagining my life trajectory. Taking a step back and taking stock. Rest.
I love you. Let me know how ya’ll are doing.
Yours
Jules
Posted on 2 May '12 by Jules, under Uncategorized. 2 Comments.
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
Posted on 17 April '12 by Jules, under Uncategorized. 1 Comment.
Let me start by saying that commenting on your posts/writing this post is taking way too long because I keep getting up to kill roaches I see scuttling across my apartment. Yes, roaches. Fucking. Disgusting. Let me tell you, living alone turns you into a big girl because there is no one around to whine to or help you with gross shit. Oh there’s a roach nest behind my refrigerator? Deal with it. Oh, I caught a mouse in a trap and now I have to drown it in my toilet? Fucking deal with it. Oh, now I have to FISH OUT that drowned pee-logged toilet mouse and throw it away in the trash? Yup. The roaches are really the grossest thing. It’s really hard to kill them because they have evolved to the point where you spray them with shit and smash them three times and they’re still wriggling around. Plus when you finally kill the damn thing they have all this brown/yellow goo inside them. Seriously, I probably kill about 5-10 roaches a day. Today, between 4-6:30am, probably closer to 20. It’s not without conflict though… today during my ‘raid’ I saw a big roach carrying a baby roach on its back to survival. Or maybe they were lovers. It touched my heart for a second and then I smashed them. I’m going to talk to my landlord today about the infestation before I re-sign my lease.
Sorry to gross you out… I really had to bitch about that for a second to people who don’t live here (I don’t tell my friends because I don’t want to gross them out when they come over). Besides that I am totally in love with my apartment. Whenever I come home that’s the first thing I think, this really feels like my home. It’s a wonderful feeling. At the end of February I will have lived here for a YEAR! It’s the longest I’ve lived any one place since I graduated college, actually, since before college I guess. It feels good, and I’m really proud that I mastered living alone. I’m going to extend my lease another six months to the end of August and then figure out what to do next. I think I might want to live with friends but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
As you all probably saw on Facebook, I was selected for Teach for America and placed in Philadelphia! Choosing my regional preferences over the last few months, I went through soooooo many ups and downs, switching from Philly to Boston to North Carolina to Denver to Seattle to Las Vegas, trying to figure out where I wanted to live, flip-flopping between embracing independence/adventure and continue to ground myself in my community in Philly. It was an intense process. In the end, I put Philly, Boston, Rhode Island, Denver and Las Vegas all in my top category and left it up to the gods. When I found out I was placed in Philly, I had an overwhelming feeling of joy. I’m so happy to be able to stay here, at least another two years, and continue building a life, while also having a new kind of experience/adventure in this city and moving my career forward. I’m almost definitely going to accept TFA, it’s pretty much the thing to do if you want to be a mover/shaker in urban ed. I love teaching at Mastery Charter, but I think even more I love the business behind urban education and the way structural change happens. Doing TFA will give me a lot of options down the road. Hopefully I’ll be placed at Mastery or another charter that’s similar instead of a bottom-of-the-barrel public school. I also hope I get to teach middle school math.
Two weeks ago, I broke up with Julia. It was kind of impulsive, but as soon as it happened I knew it was the right decision. The truth is I’m broke as shit right now and I’m in no place to have a girlfriend. Not to mention, I wasn’t really in love with her. Margo, “the” ex who I am almost but not yet quite over, who is living a few blocks away with her boyfriend, came over last week and we were finally honest about how we still had feelings for each other. The thing is, the experience was kind of cathartic. I was actually grossed out that she could come over and be so intense with me while she is in another relationship. I don’t want to be a part of her figuring out whether or not she wants to stay with David. We decided not to talk for a few months.
Kind of timed with this break in talking to Margo, I’m not going to date anyone in a committed way for at least the next two months. In the past, I realized that being sexual without intentionality has had really damaging effects on my friendships and community. That led me for the last six months (since Emily and I broke up) to not sleep with anyone unless we were in love and monogamous. I thought this was the ‘answer’, but then when recently, I wanted to sleep with Julia, I kinda rushed the love/commitment thing before I was ready to, so I wouldn’t break my ‘rule’. Turns out rushing the love/commitment can be just as damaging as rushing sex. Now, in part because I feel so stable in myself and my career path, I feel ready to have a little fun as a single lady. The focus is still on “doing me” but if I happen to have an excellent connection with someone I’m going to pursue it. In fact, the other night, I hung out late with Ashley (from the fall) and some other people and slept over at her place, and we happened to have phenomenal sex all night. It was incredible. Also helpful to getting over Margo - turns out I can have really good sex with other people. We haven’t talked about it yet. I don’t really feel like we have to. After spending so much time the last six months being super intentional and communicative, I’m totally ready to cut loose and be a little irresponsible. When I was in LA with my family over Christmas, I met this super cute Israeli dude at a bar and we made out and it was really hot. We met up for a second date and made out some more. I am totally interesting in messing around with a guy, someone who I trust and feel safe with.
Since I got back from break I’ve been craving having a dog to come home to. I don’t have the money to spend on getting one, though, so I had this attitude that one would come to me when the time was right. Fast forward to this week when I find out my coworker at Mastery is currently fostering a super-cute mid-sized dog… and she wants to give it to me! Can you believe it? It feels crazy, especially because my apartment is tiny and having another creature’s life in my hands is a HUGE commitment. Still feeling it out. I feel like if I get a dog I’ll become a lot less social, and I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. I’m gonna go to her place and meet the dog at some point in the next couple weeks. I’ll keep you posted.
The big theme of my New Year’s resolution is to slow down and continue to find grounding practices. As a practice, I journal every night before I go to bed. It’s nice to get in the habit of spending time with myself before sleep, even if I’m just writing a paragraph about what I did that day. Plus, now that I have a journal by my bed, I get to write down my crazy-ass dreams when I wake up in the morning.
Long ass post! Props to anyone who finishes it. I love you guys. So excited for our reunion in May.
Yours,
J
Posted on 20 January '12 by Jules, under Uncategorized. 1 Comment.
Hi my darlings. I too have been creepily reading posts without taking the time to respond. And as I am at work right now I don’t have much time. Just wanted to drop a line saying I think the retreat is a really wonderful idea and other such catch-up notes…
1. Retreat is a go. I’m really liking the Vinyasa one, but really, Kripalu with my besties I CANT WAIT. We could go camp on the outskirts of the grounds in 22 degree weather and i’d have a blast. Let me know your strongest preferences for which one, either based on date or on type.
2. I ended things with Matthew. After working through a couple of things, I have come to realize I was still dating his old self (the nice, loved me unconditionally one) while he was also dating my old self (the emotionless cheater). He was horribly unwilling to reconstruct his ideologies about our relationship, and I realized that the person he is now is not who I was/am in love with. He called me on thanksgiving and called me a hypocritical piece of shit. The next time we spoke he told me “breathing doesnt help anyone” and “yoga is fucking stupid.” Andddddd thats when I got my wakeup call. You can diss me all you want, but when I truly get offended is when you hate on my life’s purpose. Also, it was when I was subconsciously planning to only calling Matt on days when I was going out later with Jonathan because I knew he’d instantly put me into a better mood. Yeah, so not healthy. Matt is a complicated person, and he is based on anger and projection of his own feelings. I still love him immensely, and yeah when I found out that hes dating someone new I had to have a long run and sob-fest (during training trip, felt delish to run in sports bra). But I am not “in love” with him anymore, which is allowing me to see the perfections as well as the flaws to our relationship. Tragic stuff, but man I do love a good wave.
2. Jonathan and I are more connected than I think I’ve ever felt with anyone else. He reads my mind, can talk about what the moon means and Nietzsche, we bought each other the EXACT SAME tarot card deck and gave it to each other yesterday, has introduced me to SexMagick (although we are not having it), is very into attaining states of higher consciousness, and meditates regularly on his own with no prompting from me. Hes amazing. He visited one night when I was all by myself after a late call to him explaining the alone-ness and showed up at 9pm with fries, red wine, and an oija board. I’m that lameo who smiles idiotically when I get a text from him, and laugh out loud when he says cute things. He wants to be official, but I am concerned with the drugs he does. I have complete ambivalence for someone in my life and their drug use up until the point where we make a commitment to date. My best friend from high school, Allie, smokes probably three or four times a day and has for the past 9 years. I don’t trust them or the people who sell them, they are illegal, and in his case a cop-out for obtaining a higher level of consciousness which is achievable through other means like meditation and yoga even though they are harder. We will see how it goes.
“A premise of sex magic is the concept that sexual energy is a potent force that can be harnessed to transcend one’s normally perceived reality.”
3. Officially an Admissions Counselor. I have a better office, new name tag, new pay and hour increase, and business cards. There is potential to apply for the job for next year, and I will be doing that. I am teaching yoga to the swim team as well as at a local YMCA (where Jon’s mom goes, she let me know of the job availability so I have her to thank for that). Swimming will be over end of february… our conferences are around the 24th at MIT…. will any of you be in the Boston area? This time I am coming prepared to visit you if necessary (cab fare, previous discussion with coach, etc) so let me know if any of that is doable.
I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS RETREAT WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy balls. <3 Love you guys, thanks for being my lifeline! xo
Posted on 17 January '12 by Murphy, under Uncategorized. 1 Comment.
Hi lovelies.
I haven’t posted on here in soooo long. (I have been a lurker though and have been reading your updates. Creepy??? Meh maybe.)
Finals killed me this semester. I was (stupidly) taking 6 classes and ended up with 5 final papers and 6 finals to end the semester. I don’t really remember how I survived.. it wasn’t yoga that saved me though, unfortunately.. it was cheap rolling rock tall boys, ramen, adderall, naps here and there instead of full nights of sleep, and breathing that actually saved me. haha. UGH. So glad it’s over and I’m home in NH to relax for the next month. My home life has changed a lot this year. My mom is engaged to a new man (he’s in his 70s and is a millionaire)…. my mom is not a gold digger…. at least I don’t think so… maybe she is… she’s only 48? I think? Anyway, my mom is extremely happy and that’s all that matters in my book. They built an amazing (and huge = not very sustainable) house for themselves that is gorgeous, but really big for two people. It’s in the middle of nowhere and so relaxing. I love being able to hangout here for a few weeks.
Things with Forrest have changed a lot in the past few months. I decided that I need a lot more space from him in order to be happy with myself. We were together way too much. I had zero alone time. I was never even sleeping alone (even though we don’t live together at school… we do live really close so it was easy to be together all the time). We had many fights over it, but Forrest is finally giving me space that I need. He needs the space too (even though he didn’t think he did for a while) so that he can learn to be alone, deal with his problems without using me as a crutch. I felt like I was being used as more than just his lover/significant other.. I was also being his therapist, mom, and friend for every occasion… when maybe I didn’t like the specific occasion and he should have brought a different friend.
We’ve also decided to try a more open relationship. I have been having sexual relations (ha I just wanted to say sexual relations cus when do I ever get a chance to say that??) with a few other people and it’s great! Mostly all women (I say mostly because I had a thing with a FTM transgender person too). Anyway, it’s great. I love being able to have sex with women and be in a wonderful relationship with Forrest. He’s been trying to find people to have sex with too (he’s looking for women right now, but wants to also try men really badly) HA we’re a really queer couple…. if you couldn’t tell…. Being able to communicate with Forrest about all of this stuff was hard at first, but now we’re so much stronger as a couple because of it. We’ve been together for almost 4 years and we both decided that we were currently unhappy (a month ago) and needed to figure out how to put sparks back in our relationship. How to make sex exciting again and how to just date each other again. Since we were always together all the time, we lost interest in each other. We weren’t excited to see each other and things became dull. WE WERE LIKE MARRIED. Which is scary because I don’t know if I ever want to get married… and I certainly don’t want to be married right now.
I don’t know if you all are going to be able to understand the above crazy marie/forrest relationship. But it seems to be working right now. I’m actually visiting my friend/lover, CJ in Boston from January 2nd-7th… so if any of you will be in Boston during that time PLEASE let me know! I would love to see you!!! Also, does anyone have any good yoga studio tips in Boston? This trip is going to be a self-healing kind of trip for me, and I would love to do a lot of yoga in a new city. I haven’t really ever explored Boston before, even though it’s the closest city to me… so if you have any suggestions on where to go in general that would be great. I love coffee shops and book stores.
AND NOW FOR PICTURES.
Above left to right: Lizzie, Charlotte, and James
Lizzie and Charlotte are an amazing couple and my dear friends and James is a great friend who is the above mentioned FTM. OK GET READY FOR THIS: I had a 4-some with these people(YES a 4-some)!!! It was amazing. I really have no other words for it. And when I returned back to campus to find Forrest, we had the most amazing sex (3 times) after. Let’s just say I didn’t get to bed until like 4am that night and was hella sore the next day. But it was totally worth it.
This is the amazing CJ who I am visiting in Boston. We have a bit more than just sex. I don’t know. They’re amazing and so much fun. We’re mostly friends but are also a bit of lovers. They extremely respect the various boundaries that Forrest and I have set up together and also totally respect the fact that Forrest is my dominant partner and my truly only real love. It’s just nice that CJ understands that the love/relationship I have with them is different from the love/relationship I have with Forrest.. and that it needs to stay that way.
And last, but certainly not least, here’s me and Forrest. Don’t we look hot in this picture? We’re both wearing ties. : ) Oh, I love him.
Posted on 22 December '11 by Marie, under Uncategorized. 1 Comment.
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